The Hobbit: The Battle of the 3 Unexpected Desolations of Integrity in the Journey for Cash

Credits to Harry Partridge (a youtube animator) for this excellent portrayal of Peter Jackson

Man do I hate The Hobbit movies. Yes, obviously I can’t stand what a blatant cash grab the franchise is, but there’s also the little personal reasons I have to hate it too. When I told people I was going to make a blog, this type of post was what they had in mind. Random vitriol pointed at something that probably doesn’t deserve it with nothing new or insightful to say about it. I think this post will fall into that category. So if you’re a big fan of the series (in which case we can’t be friends), stop reading now. Here are things I hate about The Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings franchise as a whole.

– I hate random shoe-horned love triangles

– I hate hobbits or dwarf-like creatures of any kind (except for Goblins)

– I can’t stand elves

– I didn’t even like The Lord of the Rings movies

– I have disliked looking at Orlando Bloom’s face ever since seeing Troy (the film where he played that chump Paris)

– I dislike how everything cool gets killed off by everything lame in the LotR universe

– I still think the Witch King’s death scene was dumb

– I feel that Martin Freeman is too British

– I am among those who feel Tolkien’s work contained subtle racism

– I listed the two above in that order on purpose

– I’m bothered by the fact that my Gollum impression sucks

– I am baffled that they somehow made a dragon voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch incredibly lame

– I feel that Benedict Cumberbatch is also too British

– I don’t like how too little of the main characters get killed off

– I don’t like how too many of the villains get killed off

– I think the animated Lord of the Rings movie is better than the Peter Jackson stuff

– I don’t like how saying that makes me sound like a hipster

– I’m annoyed that most reading probably didn’t click on the link above which means they’re missing out on something AMAZING

– I feel like Gandalf is way too old for this shit

– I hate that The Hobbit is much shorter than each of the LotR books yet it got stretched into three films

– I hate all the walking

– I hate all the talking

– I don’t even like the names of the characters

What I hate most of all though, is the expectations Peter Jackson has for the fanbase. I once called the second Hobbit film “The Desolation of the contents of Peter Jackson’s nether regions, and the willingness of his fans to consume it”. The fact that he could stretch this schlock out and feed it to us with the (valid) expectation that we’ll all buy it anyways bothers me to no end. Every time you pay money to see one of those movies, you are letting Peter Jackson have his way with you. He doesn’t cuddle with you afterwards, he doesn’t even have the courtesy to provide some idle small talk. He already got what he wanted from you, and he knows you’ll give it to him whenever he asks. There is no warmth in what he does to you, no personal or emotional energy; just the cold desire to take from you and others who go watch his “trilogy”. At the end of it all, you’ll feel like the guy in the picture here does, only it’ll be in a decidedly different metaphorical context.

Quote of the Day:

“Stupid fat hobbit”

– Gollum, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

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