My Guess At What the Crown is About Before I Watch It

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I’m about to watch The Crown on Netflix for the first time for a number of reasons beyond my control. I will say that before recent events, this show dramatizing the history of the British Monarchy seemed super boring to me. Like unbelievably so, but I’m at a place now where I’m in the mood to see pale British people fret about nonsense things that don’t matter to anyone anywhere. I wasn’t a Downton Abbey viewer for example, as just the thought of having to spend time with these rich Brits seemed vaguely nihilistic. Like, the idea of making the conscious decision to spend time with these people felt like a choice I would only make as someone who has absolutely given up. Here I am about to watch The Crown though, so make of that as you will. I have a lot of preconceptions and predictions about this show that I want to hold onto as long as possible, so I’m gonna record them all here and now before they’re rendered meaningless. Just gonna list these off in point form…

  • There will be some Princess Diana foreshadowing. Let’s be real, Princess Di was basically the main protagonist of the Royal Family, and the seasons chronicling her life are what most people are waiting for the most. I am expecting some truly hackneyed lines and imagery hinting towards her impending arrival and subsequent death. I am full on expecting a character to come out telling one of the royals to “be careful on the road” or watch where they’re driving, with the royal responding “What’s the worst that can happen?”
  • I’m expecting some weird ass sex scenes. Like, one of the male royals probably has a rumoured kink/sexuality, and the show will play it up to the extreme because that’s just how dramatizations are. For example, if Duke Frumplebiddles is rumoured to enjoy a good rear tickling, the show will make absolutely certain we know about said fetish in graphic detail at every available opportunity.
  • Self-referential fluff will be abound in this historical soap opera I expect. There’s no way the show writers aren’t aware that there’s a popular sentiment that the monarchy is completely worthless and outdated, so expect the show to have someone point that out to a monarch’s face, with that monarch responding with a rousing speech about how important they really are and how anyone who says otherwise is just an ignorant fool. Hopefully the show can make that case by showing and not telling, but odds are against that with most shows I’m afraid.
  • Meghan Markle foreshadowing is coming. In Season 3 or 4 most likely. Someone’s going to be racist, someone’s going to suggest the possibility of a nonwhite person in the royal family in response, and the old racist rich royal is gonna be “in OUR royal family? Why I never!”. If the show does indeed get to the modern era, there’s going to be someone watching Suits, and Prince Harry’s gonna see it for the first time and be like “Is this show any good?”.
  • There will be Matthew Goode. This “prediction” is 100% percent cheating because I already know he’s on the show, but the moment I learned of this show’s existence, I swear to you that I called the eventuality of Matthew Goode’s presence. There was just no way it wasn’t going to happen.
  • Queen Elisabeth is going to break bad at some point. We all know the prim and proper queen of today, but the show is going to depict her youth and I am certain they are going to extrapolate from some vague rumour and make her do something truly rebellious and transgressive and play it off as a girl power moment. Expecting her to ride into Buckingham palace on a motorcycle wearing a leather jacket and shades, lowering said shades when her eyes meet an aghast Prince Philip and saying “Hop on Phil.”
  • Infidelity. There’s just no way it isn’t happening. Even if it’s a historical soap, it’s still a soap opera. Cheating is such a big part of what they are. Cheating among royals is what the word “scandalous” was made for! And I don’t even have to research to know that was probably a big thing among those schumcks over at Buckingham Palace.
  • There’s gonna be a preening bully to tell Queen Elizabeth she will suck at being Queen (which I will remind you is a NOTHING JOB), but she’s gonna prove him wrong and leave him flabbergasted and sputtering British noises.
  • Casual racism is gonna be a thing due to the time period. This was touched on before in earlier parts of this list, but the writers are definitely going to be taking advantage of its time period to have its “hilarious” older characters say super racist things with its younger actors tut-tutting them and rolling their eyes.
  • There’s going to be a lot of Hitler discussion. Due to the time period, I’m betting there’s gonna be a lot of folks saying “boy, wasn’t that guy the WORST?” because he will have have been a very recent menace. Bonus points if a character says “Glad we’ll never have to deal with those Nazis again!” at some point for that sweet, sweet dramatic irony.

And that’s all I got as far as predictions go. When I finally catch up on this show, I’ll be sure to release a follow up article detailing what I got right (probably everything), and what I got wrong (unlikely there will be anything).

Quote of the Day:

“This really reminds me of my time in Vietnam, picking up mortar shells with my godmother, Diana. Doesn’t really matter what she’s a princess of. It’s not really important.”

– Tahani Al Jamil, The Good Place.

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