The answer is “abomination”, as the question itself implies. Cutting right to the chase here because this is a passionate issue for me, and Donald Trump’s denouncement of these “cookies” made this a relevant issue again. Obviously, Trump and I do not share the same reason for our displeasure with these snacks (knowing Trump, you can correctly assume his reasoning for hating them has something to do with his “Mexico is Bad” narrative), but the significance of this issue remains the same. Milk’s favourite cookie? Nah, more like the devil’s favourite nookie (my just now invented slang for sexual partner).

Let’s break it down with science. Oreos are bad because they taste like dookie, are messy, have an unearned sense of pride and accomplishment (see the “Milk’s favourite cookie” slogan), and they come with some uncomfortable racial connotations. That last part confuse you? Well it shouldn’t, and if it really does then you’re really lying because it’s so obvious. Two hard, dark-as-night cookie pieces with a white creamy centre sandwhiched between them brings up all sorts of racial… things. For example, black people who “act white” are often called Oreos for being “dark on the outside and white on the inside”. Threesomes with 2 black people and one white person are called Oreos (I’d imagine), and I’m sure this has something to do with cuckolding in some way… which is bad too I guess.

Look, the point is, Oreos suck. They always have sucked. The way your parents constantly buy them even though you expressly told them not to let them enter my house. And then they say “just put them in milk” and I’m like “No Mom, I will not put the Oreos in my milk because they will contaminate the supply” and  “I don’t care if I have brothers who enjoy Oreos for some sick reason, you buying them for me makes me HATE you.”

And inevitably I try one thinking there can be some way to make it work, but unfortunately the whole ordeal turns into a God damned puzzle for me to solve since there are so many ways to eat these stupid things. Eating them whole doesn’t work since the dark chunks mix with the cream and slither down your throat in the worst way. Eating them with milk does nothing to enhance the taste but completely dilutes it, and as mentioned before, taints the rest of the milk in away that negatively effects its taste. Licking the white cream off the dark chunks and tossing the dark pieces away just seems wasteful (not to mention weird and racially charged). Nothing seems to work, and by the end of the whole process, the only place I want to put these crimes against nature is up the ass of whoever was twisted enough to invent them.

Oreos somehow managed to make both milk and cookies unpleasant (both of which count as high treason in my eyes). They taste bad in your mouth, and their in bad taste whenever reference to them comes out of someone’s mouth because they’re inevitably brought up in discussion of white-black relations. The media is currently focused on white-on-black crime (or vice-versa) these days, but what about the black-on-white-on-black crime that goes on every day whenever someone buys a package of these horrid things huh? Or how about just the plain crime of ROBBERY that happens every time someone spends money on them? There is nothing good about these cookies that claim to be milk’s favourite. I don’t use this comparison often, but Oreos are the pastry equivalent of a pit of despair. No one is safe from them and no one ever will be until every last one of them is ejected from this Earth and into the Sun.

Quote of the Day:

“Put that cookie DOWN! NOW!”

– Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Jingle All the Way.