Mind Spill: Smash Bros. Edition

Falco Blaster Trained

As I promised looong ago in another update, I will deliver to you my Smash Bros. mind spill, which as you would expect, is just my assorted thoughts on this game exiting my mind onto this blog page. With the final update recently coming out, there’s no better time than now to talk about what is now the complete version of this project, a game that came out in 2014 that feels like it was released just yesterday.

– I’ll cut right to the chase. I didn’t want Corrin or Bayonetta as the final reveals, the characters I were pulling for were villains. King K. Rool, the “inevitable” Wolf, the fabled Ridley… anyone but these 2 jokers. OK, OK, I’m being too harsh on them, they actually do have pretty great movesets, but their archetypes just aren’t my bag. I tend to lean towards the goofy and the sinister (hence why Wario is my favourite character).

– With that new Star Fox game coming out next month I was almost certain that Wolf would be a sure thing. Not only did they have him playable in the previous game, he actually looks like someone that is relatively easy to design and implement because of his similarities to other characters in the cast. He’s probably the least cloney-clone in clone history, but he still has Fox as a template. A few months ago, I was certain he’d get in, fretting about how they’d change his voice to the ponce that spoke for him in the 3DS Star Fox release, all the while failing to realize that he was actually heading towards the chopping block. Man, it just gets more depressing the more I think about it.

– Speaking of voices, is anyone else still shocked at how abysmal the guy they got to play Fox is? I mean, I miss Falco’s old Brooklyn accent, but his current actor is doing just fine. But Fox’s? The dude sounds like a cartoon nerd. A nobody turned fantasy star pilot, making noises that sound like they belong in the middle of an intense game of Dungeons and Dragons rather than a fight. It’s just a mess honestly, a mess.

– Bowser, King Dedede, Ganondorf, and King K. Rool all in the same game would have been amazing. And the meme potential behind K. Rool alone after that amazing animated series he was in? Priceless. I’m probably never gonna get over this… this… this slight! How dare Sakurai not specifically tailor his creation to my whims and desires?

– 2016, and I still think Wii Fit Trainer was a terrible idea for a playable character.

– Nintendo’s next console, codenamed the NX, is rumoured to get its own version of Smash, and if that’s the case, how likely is it that it will come with new characters?

– Sakurai gave an explanation for why they replaced Wario’s iconic shoulder barge with a generic backhanded punch. It was terrible. 

– If I were in charge, I would have changed his worthless breakdance spin attack into an earth shaker punch like the one seen in Wario Land: Shake It!

– Call me insane for this, but if I were given the choice, I’d replace all of Bowser Jr.’s Koopaling alts with different Bowser Jr. costumes. Those Koopalings look pretty disgusting being smushed into different sizes to fit Bowser Jr.’s body type, and the fact that they aren’t known for using a clown kart in the same way Jr. is bothers me. I also feel that they restrict his moveset and taunt potential.

– On the subject of taunts, I gotta say they gave Bayonetta some great ones. Just stopping everything to dance in the middle of a fight seems like a good way to spend your time.

– I never understood the balance philosophy behind light and heavy characters in this series. Light characters are supposed to be faster and weaker, but because they can chain their hits together they end up having more damage output than heavyweights. They’re also way safer on a lot of their attacks which means they tend to die later too, which makes their lack of weight redundant.

– I’m glad Snake isn’t back. He fit in back in Brawl, but his look would have really clashed with the aesthetic of this current game.

– I’m also glad those Ice Climbers aren’t back too. People asking for them back don’t know what they’re saying. They’re asking for a character that cannot be grabbed, will punish you for hitting them, will punish you harder than necessary from getting grabbed by them, will interrupt your every move, and will shut down a huge array of strategies that should work but won’t for no other reason than that there are two of these bastards. People asking for them back are asking for another Rosalina, but 1000 times more annoying.

– At this point, since Sakurai clearly doesn’t care about the premise of Smash as a Nintendo based fighting game anymore, why not go all the way and get Disney involved? I for one would really love to pit Darth Vader against Mario.

– I am the one chump who only uses Male Corrin. I don’t care, that red costume is too cool and I like his VA better. Sue me.

– Shockingly, the newly released characters have done nothing to reduce the deluge of Cloud players infesting online.

– The Fire Emblem bias is REAL.

– I don’t wanna say Donkey Kong deserves more representation, buuuuut, Donkey Kong deserves more representation. Just like in general.

– Bayonetta’s creator Kamiya telling “Smash idiots” that she would never be playable in Smash Bros. and then thanking that same crowd when she was revealed almost a year later was priceless.

– To finish, here was my initial reaction to that Corrin/Bayonetta reveal from a couple of months ago:

in contrast, this was my reaction to F.A.N.G’s reveal in Street Fighter V:

Quote of the Day:

“If you need to learn how to talk to a lady, ask your mum.”

Bayonetta, Bayonetta 2.

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